The love relationships they are complex. They are a delicate juggling act that we strive for keep in balance fluctuating emotions, needs, daily commitments, stress and everything that life throws at us every day. Everything gets complicated if we are not able to figure out what we expect from our partner and what we want and vice versa. Each person expresses and receives love in different forms and ways, but if we do not understand this language, made up of words and gestures, misunderstanding and tension can arise in a couple. It would be useful to have a small dictionary to help us translate the signals and words we all use to give and ask for love.
Five love languages
Couples counselor Gary Champman in his book titled The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts identified five love languagesdifferent ways of communicating love and affection that each of us has and regularly uses:
- Words of Confirmation: Express your love and feel loved through compliments, words of support, phrases of encouragement, but also messages or letters that make you feel special, instill security and increaseself-confidence.
- Quality time: those who belong to this type long to spend time with their better half without distraction. No cell phone or social media to scroll through. It doesn’t matter if you take a walk after dinner or share a plate of noodles. Only real closeness, sincere listening and undivided attention count.
- Physical touch: those who prefer this language use their body to say “I love you” and look for every opportunity to connect physically with their loved one. A sexual approach, a hug, a kiss or a fleeting touch of hands is not enough. It is important to always maintain a physical contact with your partner.
- Service operations: love also manifests itself in its actions. It is a language made of gestures of care and devotion, such as the small gestures that relieve our partner of everyday tasks and make life easier, lighter and happier for those we love. Any examples? Go shopping, walk the dog, load the dishwasher, make dinner or bring breakfast in bed.
- Presenting gifts: pass on love through gifts. Love needs to be received and given through visible signs. It does not necessarily have to be expensive: it is not the material value that counts, but the attention behind the gift, because we had a special thought for those we love.
The five languages of stress
There are not only love languages, but also stress languages. In fact, stress does not only negatively affect our own mental health it is ours comfortbut also of the people around us, because it drains the energy we could otherwise invest in our relationship, makes us more vulnerable and irritable, inhibits libido and often makes us take out our frustrations on our love. The result is potentially disastrous and could create a great rift in the pair that would destroy them. Chantal Donnelly, wellness expert and author of the book to avoid misunderstandings and help clear communication within a love story Settled: How to Find Peace in a Stress-Inducing Worldidentified 5 languages of stress which refer to the way we react and express ourselves when we are stressed:
- Fixer: i.e. fixer. People with this stress language are natural problem solvers. They have a proactive approach and when a problem arises, they immediately start thinking about how to deal with it, make to-do lists, look for advice to follow, and take responsibility for solving any problems or snags that arise. Risk is potential burn out or, even worse, become obnoxious or overbearing enough to take over your partner’s parenting role. To avoid similar consequences, it is useful to remember that not all problems require an immediate solution.
- Denier: the language of stress a denier involves downplaying or outright denying the existence of the source of stress. People in this category avoid discussing the topic and act as if the problem doesn’t exist, hoping that the cause of the stress will go away on its own. A hallmark of deniers is suppressing negative emotions, preferring to maintain toxic positivity, which can lead to the accumulation of unresolved issues over time.
- Number: people with this language cope with stress by numbing emotions through distraction, avoidance, or substance use. Better escape rather than solving the problem. In an attempt to silence their feelings or the negative things that affect them, they prefer to bury themselves in work, obsessively engage in exercise, gambling, shopping, social media or binge watching TV.
- Exploder: according to Donnelly, exploding brains trigger a “fight or flight” stress response that prompts them to vent their stress through anger, screaming, or other intense reactions. They often get angry in the middle of the conversation or blame their partner for the stressful situation. A reaction that can be cathartic for them, but provocative unrest in those around them.
- Imploder: someone with this language tends to internalize stress and often does to punish or humiliate. Suppressing emotions and not expressing them outwardly can lead to emotional tension or physical discomfort such as headaches and stomach problems.
@chantaldonnellypt”Stress languages” can be just as open to our relationships as love languages. Being aware of how your partner reacts to stress is invaluable. It can bring empathy, respect and deeper engagement. It’s not that we want to correct or judge the stressed language of the other. The 5 stress languages as I see them are: Fixer: These are the ones who go into immediate action. Whether in Tend, Befriend or Fight mode, Fixer will be hard pressed to slow down – even when it’s time to go to bed. Denier: This can look like a type of extreme optimist who is blind to reality, a stoic who avoids all emotion, or a toxic positivity. The Numb-er: These people use distractions, drugs, alcohol, television or sex. Numbness can also look like long hours at the office; workaholism is a common numb-er strategy. The Exploder: This can appear as catastrophizing (the feeling that everything is a disaster), reactive rage, paranoia, seeking a target goal, or a strong urge to escape from a stressful environment. The Imploder: This is a typical freezing reaction and can look like self-blame, paralysis, helplessness, depression, ignoring or “ghosting” people, or an inability to make eye contact or express emotion. What is your stress language? Is it a mix of 2 languages? Do you express yourself in different languages during different aspects of your life (work vs. family vs. intimacy)? #fyp #bodyinsight #stressinformed #stressinsight #stresslanguage #usadil #physicalterapeut #physical therapy original sound – Chantal Donnelly, PT
Be careful to minimize
TikTok has fallen in love with these definitions, and the platform is full of creators trying to identify them using their partner’s gestures and words. The risk is to play the role of sociologist or psychologist without having real skills, pigeonholing and belittling many aspects of behavior and emotions in a few clichés. In doing so, we lose what those who identified these languages should have been useful for: helping to achieve greater understanding and connection in our relationship. Knowing them should better tell us what our partner needs at that moment, promote greater empathy, initiate honest mutual communication, deep emotional connection, limit misunderstandings and create a stronger couple bond. Without grudges and reproaches, from a constructive perspective.